You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
