Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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