I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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