you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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