I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
