When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
