Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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