He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
