Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
