I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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