Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
