In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
