This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
