Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize