There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
