if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
