i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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