I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
