I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
