We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
