roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
