My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Randomize
