Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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