Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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