She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
