Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
