its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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