Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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