Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
