last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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