Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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