He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
