i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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