Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
