You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
