Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
