i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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