Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
