$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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