I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
