Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
