he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
