He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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