Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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