turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
