While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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