Just fell off a train. Bad.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
try to milk me bitch
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