i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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