I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
