In the future we'll all be gay
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
