No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
