wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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