and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
