Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
