When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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