Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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