I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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